Quotable quote

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are...it is our choices."

Professor Dumbledore to Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Getting there...out of oblivion hopefully

All the while, I thought it was over only to receive again a note Sunday morning. At first, I don't know how to deal with it, but I managed to scribble a few lines out of politeness.

Now I am almost tempted to believe Oscar Wilde when he said

“By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.”

If this is the price for remaining single, then getting hitched sounds like a better alternative. But, of course, there's a caveat to that. :)

Slowly getting out of oblivion

Sunday night, when it was over, I almost could not believe it could happen to me. Other people, I suppose, would have handled it differently but how can we really know what is best to do on a particular occasion when we're already smacked right into it. And it was really a difficult and sensitive situation. It was far less from the ordinary. Feelings and emotions were revealed. Under normal circumstances, these would not have been unusual and awkward.

In the end, I just tried to be as congenial and as polite as possible. Why? I reckon it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. At the end of the day, I believe we should not look at the negative side of things but the good things that come out of it, however they seem difficult to comprehend in the beginning. I am trying to find peace in what has happened (which thankfully, I am slowly getting) and I urged him to do the same. I always believe things happen for a reason.

My close friend said I must be really resilient to have managed to think straight and do my work despite this recent episode. The strength comes from Him, that's all I can say.

Close Call

I find it tragic to have been betrayed by someone I trusted. At the same time, I could not help but also blame myself for not recognising the red signs too quickly. By crossing our boundaries, we lost a friendship that could have been beautiful. I never thought it would lead to that because we had a good friendship. The attraction was there from the beginning and I think both of us tried hard to ignore it.

We are too different--I acknowledged that early on that's why I also tried for us to just be friends despite his constant innuendos. And the reality of it--us being different--is so clear to me now. Unlike him, I cannot do something just because it feels good physically. That night was a close call. And I'm glad I was able to get out of it.

Nightmares

My sister has breast cancer and just three days ago, on Valentines day, she had a mastectomy. That was the worst weekend in my life since my mother passed away 10 years ago. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep since I got the news two days before her operation that she has the Big-C. I love my sister very much. She's like my second mother and she became more protective and more supportive of me when my mother passed away. Being the youngest in my family, I am used to the regular pampering. With my sister, however, she makes the pampering more special. I don't know what I would do without her.

I am trying my best to function normally but it is extremely difficult. I want to be with her and take care of her in this difficult phase in her life. She's got no family of her own so we are her only family. I want to go home but she insisted that I remain here in New Zealand.

Last night, I had a terrible dream of her. I arrived home and there she was--already in a coffin and my dead mother was there and so was my father, my auntie, and her bestfriend who's taking her of her now. They were all crying. I was crying, too. It was really her that I saw in the coffin because I saw her face. Then, in the dream, after seeing her, I immediately went to our house and saw that it was empty. I was calling her name and asking her to let me see her alive--even her spirit. But there was no response. All I saw were pictures of her on the coffee table in the dining area. Then, I woke up feeling so heavy and depresssed. Another night has passed, another bad dream.

The Agony of Waiting

Feeling a lump on her breast and a mass below her abdomen, my sister had a mammogram and sonomammogram (breast ultrasound) last Monday. That same day, I had my annual physical exam and also went through a breast ultrasound the following day. My sister got the results of her tests yesterday but nothing is conclusive yet. The son of my brother-in-law, who is a doctor (actually a cancer surgeon) will interpret the results. I do hope everything is alright with my sister and she doesn't need to undergo a surgery. An aspiration on her breast lump will also be performed so as determine if the mass is benign or not. My sister said the mammogram she underwent was really painful, as what many who had been through it have said. I could not imagine being subjected to it, because the breast ultrasound in itself is already painful. While mine was being performed, I noticed that the sonommamographist typed the word 'cyst' several times which means that I have multiple cysts in my breast. I do hope they contain only fluid. The result of my test will be released tomorrow.

Visiting Boracay after 10 years

Three days before I welcome the new year, I went with my sister, his husband, sisters-in-law and my bestfriend to Boracay. The last time besto (how I call my bestfriend) and I were in Boracay was 10 years ago. So much development has taken place in the area. Gone indeed was the peaceful and pristine Boracay of yesteryears. Today, it is teeming with shops, restaurants, hotels and private resorts. A relative of our host in Aklan (the family of my sister's husband) said that there are around 2,000 resorts in the area and nearly 200 hotels. Boracay has its own Shangri-la and Mandarin hotels and there is even a British International School - Boracay. But poverty still creeps in Boracay. One can see children of locals begging for food. Although tourism has generated a lot of employment, the biggest gainers are still the moneyed Filipino industrialists and foreigners who own the businesses in Boracay.