Holy Week Reflections

Ever since 2009 made its entrance, my life has been full of challenges--a few of them of my own doing. I have stumbled many times and regretted actions which I should not have done. Despite some wrong choices, God has been so kind to me. He still provides for my needs, showers me with blessings and sends good people to guide and help me. My only prayer is that next time I come face to face again with another trial, I'd be wiser and I would not commit the same mistakes of the past. I hope I will move forward in wisdom and grace and with my faith unshaken. I pray that each trial that I surpass will make me a better person. My friend, the one that has figured so significantly in my life lately, said that I am too nice and that I should loosen up a bit. I know what he means by that. I told him back that I don't mind being nice because I'm happy and comfortable with that. I hope that I'd be able to influence him with good values. I have chosen to remain friends with him despite what happened to us. It's no use being bitter about it or being angry with him because I let it happen. If there is something good that came out from that incident, it's the closeness, honesty and openness that we have for each other now. We talk things now more openly. We criticise each other and give pieces of advice. I have set the boundaries. I told him that we cannot do it again. I realise now that what we feel for each other is just friendship, and what happened then was just some physical desire that went out of control. Whatever physical longing that we had then has been extinguished. Yes, I care for him, but only as a friend. I can't feel anything beyond that, not because I don't want to, but because that's just it.

Lesson learned

I must admit I regretted what has happened. However, the unfinished business is done and it would just be a waste of time and energy to feel that way. All I can do is continue with my life. A while ago, while I was walking towards my flat, I couldn't help but lament over the wrong choices that I have made recently. Now I know that something that was built just on physical desire doesn't really last. But still I am glad that I was able to find myself again. As much as I can resist it, I will not do it again. Not without love on his part and mine. I will just wait until the 'right' person comes--someone who will really love, cherish and respect me. When that time comes and we do it, I know everything will be of much more value.

Still waters

My weekend came and went peacefully and for this, I am glad. As what I wrote in my planner/journal, I feel my mind, body and soul are starting to heal. I feel lighter these days and I am slowly regaining my strength. Yesterday, I came with my fellow Asian friends to a weekend market and then I acted as their tour guide to the city harbour. In the afternoon, another friend and I did our weekly groceries together--something that has become our weekly routine.

Sunday was church day and since I missed attending the morning and late afternoon service, I attended the 7 pm mass. Then, I came back to my flat, had dinner and finished watching "Slumdog Millionaire". Brilliant movie! No wonder it won a number of awards in the recent Oscars.

There was an incident, by the way, that took place this week, which really happened unexpectedly. After one month of silence, he and I met again. Was it an awkward meeting? Surprisingly, it wasn't. I felt some heavy load has gone off my shoulder and I know he felt the same way, too. We were both happy to see each other--that I am sure. After that incident, I have come to know him more, and I know from his grin and laughter he was happy that we seemed relaxed to talk again after the hiatus. How can we still face each other after what happened that night and still managed to laugh and throw jokes to each other? I really don't know how we did it. What's really with us? That I really don't know. Perhaps, we're really friends. Prior to the incident in February, we had a petty quarrel last year but after several weeks, we became friends again. And then this recent spat. As we're able to get over this past incident--which undoubtedly is a serious one--perhaps we can overcome any misunderstanding in the future.

Quotable quote

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are...it is our choices."

Professor Dumbledore to Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Getting there...out of oblivion hopefully

All the while, I thought it was over only to receive again a note Sunday morning. At first, I don't know how to deal with it, but I managed to scribble a few lines out of politeness.

Now I am almost tempted to believe Oscar Wilde when he said

“By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.”

If this is the price for remaining single, then getting hitched sounds like a better alternative. But, of course, there's a caveat to that. :)

Slowly getting out of oblivion

Sunday night, when it was over, I almost could not believe it could happen to me. Other people, I suppose, would have handled it differently but how can we really know what is best to do on a particular occasion when we're already smacked right into it. And it was really a difficult and sensitive situation. It was far less from the ordinary. Feelings and emotions were revealed. Under normal circumstances, these would not have been unusual and awkward.

In the end, I just tried to be as congenial and as polite as possible. Why? I reckon it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. At the end of the day, I believe we should not look at the negative side of things but the good things that come out of it, however they seem difficult to comprehend in the beginning. I am trying to find peace in what has happened (which thankfully, I am slowly getting) and I urged him to do the same. I always believe things happen for a reason.

My close friend said I must be really resilient to have managed to think straight and do my work despite this recent episode. The strength comes from Him, that's all I can say.

Close Call

I find it tragic to have been betrayed by someone I trusted. At the same time, I could not help but also blame myself for not recognising the red signs too quickly. By crossing our boundaries, we lost a friendship that could have been beautiful. I never thought it would lead to that because we had a good friendship. The attraction was there from the beginning and I think both of us tried hard to ignore it.

We are too different--I acknowledged that early on that's why I also tried for us to just be friends despite his constant innuendos. And the reality of it--us being different--is so clear to me now. Unlike him, I cannot do something just because it feels good physically. That night was a close call. And I'm glad I was able to get out of it.

Nightmares

My sister has breast cancer and just three days ago, on Valentines day, she had a mastectomy. That was the worst weekend in my life since my mother passed away 10 years ago. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep since I got the news two days before her operation that she has the Big-C. I love my sister very much. She's like my second mother and she became more protective and more supportive of me when my mother passed away. Being the youngest in my family, I am used to the regular pampering. With my sister, however, she makes the pampering more special. I don't know what I would do without her.

I am trying my best to function normally but it is extremely difficult. I want to be with her and take care of her in this difficult phase in her life. She's got no family of her own so we are her only family. I want to go home but she insisted that I remain here in New Zealand.

Last night, I had a terrible dream of her. I arrived home and there she was--already in a coffin and my dead mother was there and so was my father, my auntie, and her bestfriend who's taking her of her now. They were all crying. I was crying, too. It was really her that I saw in the coffin because I saw her face. Then, in the dream, after seeing her, I immediately went to our house and saw that it was empty. I was calling her name and asking her to let me see her alive--even her spirit. But there was no response. All I saw were pictures of her on the coffee table in the dining area. Then, I woke up feeling so heavy and depresssed. Another night has passed, another bad dream.

The Agony of Waiting

Feeling a lump on her breast and a mass below her abdomen, my sister had a mammogram and sonomammogram (breast ultrasound) last Monday. That same day, I had my annual physical exam and also went through a breast ultrasound the following day. My sister got the results of her tests yesterday but nothing is conclusive yet. The son of my brother-in-law, who is a doctor (actually a cancer surgeon) will interpret the results. I do hope everything is alright with my sister and she doesn't need to undergo a surgery. An aspiration on her breast lump will also be performed so as determine if the mass is benign or not. My sister said the mammogram she underwent was really painful, as what many who had been through it have said. I could not imagine being subjected to it, because the breast ultrasound in itself is already painful. While mine was being performed, I noticed that the sonommamographist typed the word 'cyst' several times which means that I have multiple cysts in my breast. I do hope they contain only fluid. The result of my test will be released tomorrow.

Visiting Boracay after 10 years

Three days before I welcome the new year, I went with my sister, his husband, sisters-in-law and my bestfriend to Boracay. The last time besto (how I call my bestfriend) and I were in Boracay was 10 years ago. So much development has taken place in the area. Gone indeed was the peaceful and pristine Boracay of yesteryears. Today, it is teeming with shops, restaurants, hotels and private resorts. A relative of our host in Aklan (the family of my sister's husband) said that there are around 2,000 resorts in the area and nearly 200 hotels. Boracay has its own Shangri-la and Mandarin hotels and there is even a British International School - Boracay. But poverty still creeps in Boracay. One can see children of locals begging for food. Although tourism has generated a lot of employment, the biggest gainers are still the moneyed Filipino industrialists and foreigners who own the businesses in Boracay.