Slowly getting out of oblivion

Sunday night, when it was over, I almost could not believe it could happen to me. Other people, I suppose, would have handled it differently but how can we really know what is best to do on a particular occasion when we're already smacked right into it. And it was really a difficult and sensitive situation. It was far less from the ordinary. Feelings and emotions were revealed. Under normal circumstances, these would not have been unusual and awkward.

In the end, I just tried to be as congenial and as polite as possible. Why? I reckon it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. At the end of the day, I believe we should not look at the negative side of things but the good things that come out of it, however they seem difficult to comprehend in the beginning. I am trying to find peace in what has happened (which thankfully, I am slowly getting) and I urged him to do the same. I always believe things happen for a reason.

My close friend said I must be really resilient to have managed to think straight and do my work despite this recent episode. The strength comes from Him, that's all I can say.

Close Call

I find it tragic to have been betrayed by someone I trusted. At the same time, I could not help but also blame myself for not recognising the red signs too quickly. By crossing our boundaries, we lost a friendship that could have been beautiful. I never thought it would lead to that because we had a good friendship. The attraction was there from the beginning and I think both of us tried hard to ignore it.

We are too different--I acknowledged that early on that's why I also tried for us to just be friends despite his constant innuendos. And the reality of it--us being different--is so clear to me now. Unlike him, I cannot do something just because it feels good physically. That night was a close call. And I'm glad I was able to get out of it.

Nightmares

My sister has breast cancer and just three days ago, on Valentines day, she had a mastectomy. That was the worst weekend in my life since my mother passed away 10 years ago. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep since I got the news two days before her operation that she has the Big-C. I love my sister very much. She's like my second mother and she became more protective and more supportive of me when my mother passed away. Being the youngest in my family, I am used to the regular pampering. With my sister, however, she makes the pampering more special. I don't know what I would do without her.

I am trying my best to function normally but it is extremely difficult. I want to be with her and take care of her in this difficult phase in her life. She's got no family of her own so we are her only family. I want to go home but she insisted that I remain here in New Zealand.

Last night, I had a terrible dream of her. I arrived home and there she was--already in a coffin and my dead mother was there and so was my father, my auntie, and her bestfriend who's taking her of her now. They were all crying. I was crying, too. It was really her that I saw in the coffin because I saw her face. Then, in the dream, after seeing her, I immediately went to our house and saw that it was empty. I was calling her name and asking her to let me see her alive--even her spirit. But there was no response. All I saw were pictures of her on the coffee table in the dining area. Then, I woke up feeling so heavy and depresssed. Another night has passed, another bad dream.

The Agony of Waiting

Feeling a lump on her breast and a mass below her abdomen, my sister had a mammogram and sonomammogram (breast ultrasound) last Monday. That same day, I had my annual physical exam and also went through a breast ultrasound the following day. My sister got the results of her tests yesterday but nothing is conclusive yet. The son of my brother-in-law, who is a doctor (actually a cancer surgeon) will interpret the results. I do hope everything is alright with my sister and she doesn't need to undergo a surgery. An aspiration on her breast lump will also be performed so as determine if the mass is benign or not. My sister said the mammogram she underwent was really painful, as what many who had been through it have said. I could not imagine being subjected to it, because the breast ultrasound in itself is already painful. While mine was being performed, I noticed that the sonommamographist typed the word 'cyst' several times which means that I have multiple cysts in my breast. I do hope they contain only fluid. The result of my test will be released tomorrow.

Visiting Boracay after 10 years

Three days before I welcome the new year, I went with my sister, his husband, sisters-in-law and my bestfriend to Boracay. The last time besto (how I call my bestfriend) and I were in Boracay was 10 years ago. So much development has taken place in the area. Gone indeed was the peaceful and pristine Boracay of yesteryears. Today, it is teeming with shops, restaurants, hotels and private resorts. A relative of our host in Aklan (the family of my sister's husband) said that there are around 2,000 resorts in the area and nearly 200 hotels. Boracay has its own Shangri-la and Mandarin hotels and there is even a British International School - Boracay. But poverty still creeps in Boracay. One can see children of locals begging for food. Although tourism has generated a lot of employment, the biggest gainers are still the moneyed Filipino industrialists and foreigners who own the businesses in Boracay.

Christmas stress

I've been sick for several days now. It all started four days before Christmas. My throat began to hurt and I've been sneezing repeatedly that I already felt dizzy from being my head shaken many times. Fortunately, I've managed to survive Christmas day despite the fuzz. Prior to that, there were so many things to do like cleaning my father's house, preparing food for Christmas day, shopping for groceries, running errands, and attending to my father's requests every now and then. My two sisters have their own households to manage and since there's no one to look after my father's household, I would often be the one to stay with him and my auntie at Christmas and take charge of the preparations. When my mother was alive, she would take care of everything. Besides, both my father and auntie (my mother's youngest sister who is with us for more than 30 years now) are already old. We alway tell them to hire a household help but they refused to do so, reasoning out that they can do all the chores by themselves. But the condition of the house clearly shows that a helper is needed. It's full of dust and so disorganised. It's a house full of trash! He and my aunt also have this habit of keeping objects (like unused boxes, old perfume bottles, newspapers and magazines) which they no longer need. I spent hours dusting the shelves (which triggered my asthma) and throwing away trash. My father and aunt are also fond of raising animals like chicken and duck that take much of their energy and time as well. We have long told them to stop doing it but they said this little diversion of them brings them happiness so we just let them do what they want.

I really feel stressed spending Christmas in my father's home. But it's something that I also feel like doing each year. Partly because of obligation and partly because I feel it's the least that I can do for all the loving and the caring that they have done for me and my siblings through these years.

On Holiday Mode

Am back in my home country. Arrived here last Thursday evening. Prior to my departure from Auckland, as I packed my stuff, I can't help but to reminisce the past weeks and months, particularly my adjustment period in New Zealand. So many things have happened. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have experienced intense sadness and longing as well as excitement and happiness. It's difficult to leave far from home, from familiar places and faces, from your support system. Leaving behind your comfort zone to tread a new territory, making new friends, adjusting to new cultures, getting used again to the pressures of academic life, trying out your skills in a foreign country where discrimination exists...all of these are bit and pieces of a whole new set of life that I have experienced and will continue to experience when I go back to New Zealand in late January. But I am happy that I am more adjusted now to my life there. It was not easy in the beginning but through prayers, patience and the help of family and friends (old and new), I was able to breeze through the entire process with grace. Truly, God is good. I look forward to this holiday season with much optimism. So many good things have happened this year to me, my family and my close friends. So many wonderful things to thank God for. My eldest sister got married to a wonderful man. My father and auntie are doing well. My sister is happily enjoying her single life. My best friend is gradually reaping the fruits of labor with her call center business. And her sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl after several attempts to get pregnant. My close friend since college survived a major operation and is now recovering well. My other close friend got her dream house from her loving husband. I got the scholarship to study for a doctorate in New Zealand which is a very beautiful place. I am fortunate to have a very competent supervisor who is very supportive of me. I have found new friends in New Zealand and renewed ties with old ones whom I haven't seen for a long time. I have said my peace with a loved one whom I have hurt in the past. I have begun to make friends with people who have unintentionally hurt me before. Life has been good to me and I look forward to the coming year with so much hope. I feel at peace. Life is full uncertainties but I entrust God with tomorrow.