Holy Week Reflections

Ever since 2009 made its entrance, my life has been full of challenges--a few of them of my own doing. I have stumbled many times and regretted actions which I should not have done. Despite some wrong choices, God has been so kind to me. He still provides for my needs, showers me with blessings and sends good people to guide and help me. My only prayer is that next time I come face to face again with another trial, I'd be wiser and I would not commit the same mistakes of the past. I hope I will move forward in wisdom and grace and with my faith unshaken. I pray that each trial that I surpass will make me a better person. My friend, the one that has figured so significantly in my life lately, said that I am too nice and that I should loosen up a bit. I know what he means by that. I told him back that I don't mind being nice because I'm happy and comfortable with that. I hope that I'd be able to influence him with good values. I have chosen to remain friends with him despite what happened to us. It's no use being bitter about it or being angry with him because I let it happen. If there is something good that came out from that incident, it's the closeness, honesty and openness that we have for each other now. We talk things now more openly. We criticise each other and give pieces of advice. I have set the boundaries. I told him that we cannot do it again. I realise now that what we feel for each other is just friendship, and what happened then was just some physical desire that went out of control. Whatever physical longing that we had then has been extinguished. Yes, I care for him, but only as a friend. I can't feel anything beyond that, not because I don't want to, but because that's just it.

Lesson learned

I must admit I regretted what has happened. However, the unfinished business is done and it would just be a waste of time and energy to feel that way. All I can do is continue with my life. A while ago, while I was walking towards my flat, I couldn't help but lament over the wrong choices that I have made recently. Now I know that something that was built just on physical desire doesn't really last. But still I am glad that I was able to find myself again. As much as I can resist it, I will not do it again. Not without love on his part and mine. I will just wait until the 'right' person comes--someone who will really love, cherish and respect me. When that time comes and we do it, I know everything will be of much more value.

Still waters

My weekend came and went peacefully and for this, I am glad. As what I wrote in my planner/journal, I feel my mind, body and soul are starting to heal. I feel lighter these days and I am slowly regaining my strength. Yesterday, I came with my fellow Asian friends to a weekend market and then I acted as their tour guide to the city harbour. In the afternoon, another friend and I did our weekly groceries together--something that has become our weekly routine.

Sunday was church day and since I missed attending the morning and late afternoon service, I attended the 7 pm mass. Then, I came back to my flat, had dinner and finished watching "Slumdog Millionaire". Brilliant movie! No wonder it won a number of awards in the recent Oscars.

There was an incident, by the way, that took place this week, which really happened unexpectedly. After one month of silence, he and I met again. Was it an awkward meeting? Surprisingly, it wasn't. I felt some heavy load has gone off my shoulder and I know he felt the same way, too. We were both happy to see each other--that I am sure. After that incident, I have come to know him more, and I know from his grin and laughter he was happy that we seemed relaxed to talk again after the hiatus. How can we still face each other after what happened that night and still managed to laugh and throw jokes to each other? I really don't know how we did it. What's really with us? That I really don't know. Perhaps, we're really friends. Prior to the incident in February, we had a petty quarrel last year but after several weeks, we became friends again. And then this recent spat. As we're able to get over this past incident--which undoubtedly is a serious one--perhaps we can overcome any misunderstanding in the future.

Quotable quote

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are...it is our choices."

Professor Dumbledore to Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

Getting there...out of oblivion hopefully

All the while, I thought it was over only to receive again a note Sunday morning. At first, I don't know how to deal with it, but I managed to scribble a few lines out of politeness.

Now I am almost tempted to believe Oscar Wilde when he said

“By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.”

If this is the price for remaining single, then getting hitched sounds like a better alternative. But, of course, there's a caveat to that. :)

Slowly getting out of oblivion

Sunday night, when it was over, I almost could not believe it could happen to me. Other people, I suppose, would have handled it differently but how can we really know what is best to do on a particular occasion when we're already smacked right into it. And it was really a difficult and sensitive situation. It was far less from the ordinary. Feelings and emotions were revealed. Under normal circumstances, these would not have been unusual and awkward.

In the end, I just tried to be as congenial and as polite as possible. Why? I reckon it's the best thing to do given the circumstances. At the end of the day, I believe we should not look at the negative side of things but the good things that come out of it, however they seem difficult to comprehend in the beginning. I am trying to find peace in what has happened (which thankfully, I am slowly getting) and I urged him to do the same. I always believe things happen for a reason.

My close friend said I must be really resilient to have managed to think straight and do my work despite this recent episode. The strength comes from Him, that's all I can say.

Close Call

I find it tragic to have been betrayed by someone I trusted. At the same time, I could not help but also blame myself for not recognising the red signs too quickly. By crossing our boundaries, we lost a friendship that could have been beautiful. I never thought it would lead to that because we had a good friendship. The attraction was there from the beginning and I think both of us tried hard to ignore it.

We are too different--I acknowledged that early on that's why I also tried for us to just be friends despite his constant innuendos. And the reality of it--us being different--is so clear to me now. Unlike him, I cannot do something just because it feels good physically. That night was a close call. And I'm glad I was able to get out of it.

Nightmares

My sister has breast cancer and just three days ago, on Valentines day, she had a mastectomy. That was the worst weekend in my life since my mother passed away 10 years ago. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep since I got the news two days before her operation that she has the Big-C. I love my sister very much. She's like my second mother and she became more protective and more supportive of me when my mother passed away. Being the youngest in my family, I am used to the regular pampering. With my sister, however, she makes the pampering more special. I don't know what I would do without her.

I am trying my best to function normally but it is extremely difficult. I want to be with her and take care of her in this difficult phase in her life. She's got no family of her own so we are her only family. I want to go home but she insisted that I remain here in New Zealand.

Last night, I had a terrible dream of her. I arrived home and there she was--already in a coffin and my dead mother was there and so was my father, my auntie, and her bestfriend who's taking her of her now. They were all crying. I was crying, too. It was really her that I saw in the coffin because I saw her face. Then, in the dream, after seeing her, I immediately went to our house and saw that it was empty. I was calling her name and asking her to let me see her alive--even her spirit. But there was no response. All I saw were pictures of her on the coffee table in the dining area. Then, I woke up feeling so heavy and depresssed. Another night has passed, another bad dream.

The Agony of Waiting

Feeling a lump on her breast and a mass below her abdomen, my sister had a mammogram and sonomammogram (breast ultrasound) last Monday. That same day, I had my annual physical exam and also went through a breast ultrasound the following day. My sister got the results of her tests yesterday but nothing is conclusive yet. The son of my brother-in-law, who is a doctor (actually a cancer surgeon) will interpret the results. I do hope everything is alright with my sister and she doesn't need to undergo a surgery. An aspiration on her breast lump will also be performed so as determine if the mass is benign or not. My sister said the mammogram she underwent was really painful, as what many who had been through it have said. I could not imagine being subjected to it, because the breast ultrasound in itself is already painful. While mine was being performed, I noticed that the sonommamographist typed the word 'cyst' several times which means that I have multiple cysts in my breast. I do hope they contain only fluid. The result of my test will be released tomorrow.

Visiting Boracay after 10 years

Three days before I welcome the new year, I went with my sister, his husband, sisters-in-law and my bestfriend to Boracay. The last time besto (how I call my bestfriend) and I were in Boracay was 10 years ago. So much development has taken place in the area. Gone indeed was the peaceful and pristine Boracay of yesteryears. Today, it is teeming with shops, restaurants, hotels and private resorts. A relative of our host in Aklan (the family of my sister's husband) said that there are around 2,000 resorts in the area and nearly 200 hotels. Boracay has its own Shangri-la and Mandarin hotels and there is even a British International School - Boracay. But poverty still creeps in Boracay. One can see children of locals begging for food. Although tourism has generated a lot of employment, the biggest gainers are still the moneyed Filipino industrialists and foreigners who own the businesses in Boracay.

Christmas stress

I've been sick for several days now. It all started four days before Christmas. My throat began to hurt and I've been sneezing repeatedly that I already felt dizzy from being my head shaken many times. Fortunately, I've managed to survive Christmas day despite the fuzz. Prior to that, there were so many things to do like cleaning my father's house, preparing food for Christmas day, shopping for groceries, running errands, and attending to my father's requests every now and then. My two sisters have their own households to manage and since there's no one to look after my father's household, I would often be the one to stay with him and my auntie at Christmas and take charge of the preparations. When my mother was alive, she would take care of everything. Besides, both my father and auntie (my mother's youngest sister who is with us for more than 30 years now) are already old. We alway tell them to hire a household help but they refused to do so, reasoning out that they can do all the chores by themselves. But the condition of the house clearly shows that a helper is needed. It's full of dust and so disorganised. It's a house full of trash! He and my aunt also have this habit of keeping objects (like unused boxes, old perfume bottles, newspapers and magazines) which they no longer need. I spent hours dusting the shelves (which triggered my asthma) and throwing away trash. My father and aunt are also fond of raising animals like chicken and duck that take much of their energy and time as well. We have long told them to stop doing it but they said this little diversion of them brings them happiness so we just let them do what they want.

I really feel stressed spending Christmas in my father's home. But it's something that I also feel like doing each year. Partly because of obligation and partly because I feel it's the least that I can do for all the loving and the caring that they have done for me and my siblings through these years.

On Holiday Mode

Am back in my home country. Arrived here last Thursday evening. Prior to my departure from Auckland, as I packed my stuff, I can't help but to reminisce the past weeks and months, particularly my adjustment period in New Zealand. So many things have happened. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have experienced intense sadness and longing as well as excitement and happiness. It's difficult to leave far from home, from familiar places and faces, from your support system. Leaving behind your comfort zone to tread a new territory, making new friends, adjusting to new cultures, getting used again to the pressures of academic life, trying out your skills in a foreign country where discrimination exists...all of these are bit and pieces of a whole new set of life that I have experienced and will continue to experience when I go back to New Zealand in late January. But I am happy that I am more adjusted now to my life there. It was not easy in the beginning but through prayers, patience and the help of family and friends (old and new), I was able to breeze through the entire process with grace. Truly, God is good. I look forward to this holiday season with much optimism. So many good things have happened this year to me, my family and my close friends. So many wonderful things to thank God for. My eldest sister got married to a wonderful man. My father and auntie are doing well. My sister is happily enjoying her single life. My best friend is gradually reaping the fruits of labor with her call center business. And her sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl after several attempts to get pregnant. My close friend since college survived a major operation and is now recovering well. My other close friend got her dream house from her loving husband. I got the scholarship to study for a doctorate in New Zealand which is a very beautiful place. I am fortunate to have a very competent supervisor who is very supportive of me. I have found new friends in New Zealand and renewed ties with old ones whom I haven't seen for a long time. I have said my peace with a loved one whom I have hurt in the past. I have begun to make friends with people who have unintentionally hurt me before. Life has been good to me and I look forward to the coming year with so much hope. I feel at peace. Life is full uncertainties but I entrust God with tomorrow.

Anxieties

It's been more than a week since my last post. I realised only this morning that I have overlooked my online journal for a while. Partly because I was busy, and partly because I felt there's nothing new to write about. Then I suddenly felt the urge to go back writing my thoughts in the hope that I could be freed somehow from some anxieties that are bugging me.

In two months I am coming back home to spend the holiday season. But before that, there's so much things to do. I need to prepare at least two papers for two separate conferences but to do that, I have to come up first with concept ideas. This may sound easy but in reality it is not. Then, I have to start drafting the methodology section of my thesis proposal. Since I am turning six months here in November, I also have to submit that proposal to give my supervisors ample time for review. So that's the work aspect of my anxiety.

The other aspect is in the emotions department. Too personal to write here but my closest friends know about it. And I am so glad they are around to give me pieces of advice and keep me sane. In this crazy world, it really helps to have true, meaning friends. We are separated by distance but I never felt closer to them until now.

Watching an opera for the first time

Last night was quite memorable for me and my friend because we watched an opera for the first time. One of the actors is a good friend of ours so he kindheartedly subsidised our tickets so we could watch the show. Actually, part of the thrill was not only going to the opera but also watching our friend perform. Although he's not among the lead actors, he's the lone Asian in the group--the rest are all Caucasians--so we're really proud of him. He's really a talented person. I've heard him sing before--first was when we had a videoke session in Wellington in the house of his host family there. Second was when we climbed Mt. Rangitoto. He wants to hide his singing prowess actually--because he's a very private person--so only a handful knew and I'm one of the privileged few whom he entrusted his wonderful "secret".

Now about the opera, it was really fastastic. The entire opera was in Czech but there were TV monitors showing the surtitles (translation). The story is about a girl named Jenufa who was so desperately in love with an irresponsible man named Steva, hence Jenufa's mother (the kostelnicka) highly disapproved of Jenufa's longing for Steva. Steva also did not love truly Jenufa. It was Steva's half-brother, Laca, who loved Jenufa with all his heart. But Jenufa had a very big problem. She was carrying Steva's child and Steva did not want to marry her. To save the family from disgrace, the kostelnicka hid Jenufa until she gave birth. And to conceal the entire thing, the kostelnicka killed Jenufa's baby by leaving him to freeze in the snow. When Jenufa awakened, she found her baby gone and that her mother locked her in the house. When the kostelnicka returned, she told Jenufa that her baby died so Jenufa was devastated. Laca returned and professed his undying love for Jenufa. Jenufa wanted a fresh start so he finally accepted Laca and the kostelnicka gave them her blessing. Their short moment of bliss was interrupted by the news that one of the villagers found Jenufa's lifeless baby in the snow. The villagers then accused Jenufa of killing her baby. To save Jenufa from the villagers' contempt, the kostelnicka confessed her sins. At first, Jenufa couldn't forgive her mother, but in the end, her love for her prevailed and she learned to forgive her. I don't know how accurate my account of the opera's plot was but this was how I understood it. : )

I never thought I would enjoy the whole experience for two reasons. One, it was not an ordinary play. It was an opera and I'm not used to it. Two, the opera was not in English, hence the language barrier (but thanks for surtitles, we managed to comprehend what the singers were saying). Nevertheless, everything turned out to be an enjoyable experience.

Windfall

Last Saturday, I got the surprise of my life when I opened my mailbox and saw a cheque in my name worth $320. It was from the Auckland Electricity Community Trust. Sort of a dividend from paying the electric bills. The brochure on the AECT that's enclosed in the envelope with the cheque says the dividend is our "annual return on the Trust's assets which are held in trust for the benefit of the people living within the old Auckland Electric Power Board area." I've been living in this place for only four months and been paying an average of $25 monthly for my electricity comsumption and I received $320 or more than three times what I have paid in the last four months. When I told my friends about it, they were kind of envious because they did not receive any dividends. This is because they live in a university-owned accommodation where electricity is included in their monthly rent, unlike me who's renting a private flat and paying a separate fee for electricity consumption on top of my monthly rent. Their dividends, I suppose, are being paid to the university. I am really amased by the system here. Giving dividends to consumers is not only rewarding them for the service that they have purchased but also giving back to them their money. Think about that! There's nothing like this in my home country. There, the consumers are often at the mercy of the producers and service providers. When the prices of raw materials increase, they just pass on the burden to the consumers. In Japan where I lived for two years, I've also not experienced receiving "rewards" like this. Little by little, I am beginning to understand how really it's like to live in a welfare state. I remember my Japanese supervisor. He would always marvel about NZ being a welfare state--from "cradle to grave".

Some thoughts

I had an enlightening talk yesterday with my supervisor as we went over my proposal for a research grant. I do need that grant to be able to conduct my field work next year and I hope I'd get it. I was thankful of the way she tried to interrogate me so I'd be able to answer the questions that have been bugging me for weeks now. She also apologised for not giving me enough time as she's very occupied these days. I hope the good relationship that I have with her will continue. A supervisor is more than a thesis advisor. She's also a mentor, confidante and at times, even a parent. This university isn't my first choice. It's really an Australian university where I want to go. I also got an admission there but because the scholarship being offered to me is only tuition fee remission, I declined going there. I chose to come here instead. I suppose this is where God really wants me to go. And I think I got a really good deal here. For one thing, I have a supportive supervisor and for a research student like me, it means a lot. I am also beginning now to appreciate the beauty of this place. No wonder, people who have been here no longer want to leave. As for me, it's too early to tell. I'm not even contemplating of living here for good. I've just started my journey. I still have a long way to go. I will cross the bridge when I get there.

A wonderful weekend

I had a really wonderful weekend. Yesterday, my friends and I were at Orakei Marae, an area here in Auckland owned by Maoris. We visited their place and received a short, but informative, orientation to their culture. Several elders of the Maori tribe in that area, including their families (even their children) were there to welcome us. About 50 guests came. There were 20 of us from the university. One of the most interesting (read: entertaining) parts of the visit was doing the "hongi", or the gentle pressing/rubbing of noses. Apart from being a traditional form of welcome in Maori culture, it also symbolises the mingling of the breath or spirit between two people and thus represents unity. The Maori group that welcomed us yesterday was made up of about 20 or so people. Each of us performed the "hongi" to each of them so imagine how many people they rubbed noses with yesterday!

The scenery was really fantastic. We had so much fun taking pictures and exchanging stories while strolling around the park. I also met a Japanese girl who incidentally originates from the same place as my host family in Japan. It was great to speak again in Japanese--even short phrases that I could remember from the past. On our return to the city, I shopped for some gifts for my host family which I will request my new Japanese friend to give them when she travels to Japan this coming Thursday for a visit.

Then, this afternoon, I attended a birthday party at Cornwall Park which is at the foot of One Tree Hill, a volcanic cone. It's a big park with lots of flowers (even cherry blossom trees which are flowering right now but I think nothing can compare with the cherry blossoms in Japan in the spring) and trees. There's also a sheep farm and a cow farm. Since yesterday, we've been enjoying a really pleasant weather so going to parks here is really wonderful and extremely enjoyable.

Transnational social spaces

Transnational migrants experience multiple life-worlds. First-generation migrants carry with them the culture of their old country--their homeland. Since most of their socialisation started in the old country, the force of the old culture is stronger with them that with their sons and daughters who were born in the new country--the so-called second generation and those that come after them. The second generation and beyond form multiple life-worlds. Inside their homes, they are exposed to the old culture of their immigrant parents. Outside, they experience the culture of their parent's adoptive country, which they normally would treat as home, as it is their birth country. They form social spaces that accommodates both the old and the new.

"Old and new mentalities and practices overlap in a single space, and through migrants' linkages, both worlds overlap in communities of origin, too." (Christine Harzig and Dick Hoerder, 2006, in "Transnational Identities and Practices in Canada, edited by Vic Satzewich and Lloyd Wong, UBC Press).

A meaningful quote

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing. (It's) having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

- Gilda Radner -

Enjoying spring

To unwind a bit and clear my head of a thesis-related problem that's been bugging me for days now, I spent some time this afternoon walking around Albert Park which is very close to the university. The flowers are now in bloom and we have been experiencing fantastic weather since last week. The abundance of parks is one thing that I appreciate here in New Zealand. In Japan, there are plenty of parks, too, and I remember that in the spring, the parks there are teeming with people enjoying the "hanami" or the spring picnics under the cherry blossom trees. Spring is very beautiful in Japan because of the cherry blossoms. The New Zealand spring has its own charm, nevertheless. I haven't been to other parks this spring except Albert Park but for sure, there are many other beautiful things to see.