The Agony of Waiting

Feeling a lump on her breast and a mass below her abdomen, my sister had a mammogram and sonomammogram (breast ultrasound) last Monday. That same day, I had my annual physical exam and also went through a breast ultrasound the following day. My sister got the results of her tests yesterday but nothing is conclusive yet. The son of my brother-in-law, who is a doctor (actually a cancer surgeon) will interpret the results. I do hope everything is alright with my sister and she doesn't need to undergo a surgery. An aspiration on her breast lump will also be performed so as determine if the mass is benign or not. My sister said the mammogram she underwent was really painful, as what many who had been through it have said. I could not imagine being subjected to it, because the breast ultrasound in itself is already painful. While mine was being performed, I noticed that the sonommamographist typed the word 'cyst' several times which means that I have multiple cysts in my breast. I do hope they contain only fluid. The result of my test will be released tomorrow.

Visiting Boracay after 10 years

Three days before I welcome the new year, I went with my sister, his husband, sisters-in-law and my bestfriend to Boracay. The last time besto (how I call my bestfriend) and I were in Boracay was 10 years ago. So much development has taken place in the area. Gone indeed was the peaceful and pristine Boracay of yesteryears. Today, it is teeming with shops, restaurants, hotels and private resorts. A relative of our host in Aklan (the family of my sister's husband) said that there are around 2,000 resorts in the area and nearly 200 hotels. Boracay has its own Shangri-la and Mandarin hotels and there is even a British International School - Boracay. But poverty still creeps in Boracay. One can see children of locals begging for food. Although tourism has generated a lot of employment, the biggest gainers are still the moneyed Filipino industrialists and foreigners who own the businesses in Boracay.

Christmas stress

I've been sick for several days now. It all started four days before Christmas. My throat began to hurt and I've been sneezing repeatedly that I already felt dizzy from being my head shaken many times. Fortunately, I've managed to survive Christmas day despite the fuzz. Prior to that, there were so many things to do like cleaning my father's house, preparing food for Christmas day, shopping for groceries, running errands, and attending to my father's requests every now and then. My two sisters have their own households to manage and since there's no one to look after my father's household, I would often be the one to stay with him and my auntie at Christmas and take charge of the preparations. When my mother was alive, she would take care of everything. Besides, both my father and auntie (my mother's youngest sister who is with us for more than 30 years now) are already old. We alway tell them to hire a household help but they refused to do so, reasoning out that they can do all the chores by themselves. But the condition of the house clearly shows that a helper is needed. It's full of dust and so disorganised. It's a house full of trash! He and my aunt also have this habit of keeping objects (like unused boxes, old perfume bottles, newspapers and magazines) which they no longer need. I spent hours dusting the shelves (which triggered my asthma) and throwing away trash. My father and aunt are also fond of raising animals like chicken and duck that take much of their energy and time as well. We have long told them to stop doing it but they said this little diversion of them brings them happiness so we just let them do what they want.

I really feel stressed spending Christmas in my father's home. But it's something that I also feel like doing each year. Partly because of obligation and partly because I feel it's the least that I can do for all the loving and the caring that they have done for me and my siblings through these years.

On Holiday Mode

Am back in my home country. Arrived here last Thursday evening. Prior to my departure from Auckland, as I packed my stuff, I can't help but to reminisce the past weeks and months, particularly my adjustment period in New Zealand. So many things have happened. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. I have experienced intense sadness and longing as well as excitement and happiness. It's difficult to leave far from home, from familiar places and faces, from your support system. Leaving behind your comfort zone to tread a new territory, making new friends, adjusting to new cultures, getting used again to the pressures of academic life, trying out your skills in a foreign country where discrimination exists...all of these are bit and pieces of a whole new set of life that I have experienced and will continue to experience when I go back to New Zealand in late January. But I am happy that I am more adjusted now to my life there. It was not easy in the beginning but through prayers, patience and the help of family and friends (old and new), I was able to breeze through the entire process with grace. Truly, God is good. I look forward to this holiday season with much optimism. So many good things have happened this year to me, my family and my close friends. So many wonderful things to thank God for. My eldest sister got married to a wonderful man. My father and auntie are doing well. My sister is happily enjoying her single life. My best friend is gradually reaping the fruits of labor with her call center business. And her sister gave birth to a beautiful baby girl after several attempts to get pregnant. My close friend since college survived a major operation and is now recovering well. My other close friend got her dream house from her loving husband. I got the scholarship to study for a doctorate in New Zealand which is a very beautiful place. I am fortunate to have a very competent supervisor who is very supportive of me. I have found new friends in New Zealand and renewed ties with old ones whom I haven't seen for a long time. I have said my peace with a loved one whom I have hurt in the past. I have begun to make friends with people who have unintentionally hurt me before. Life has been good to me and I look forward to the coming year with so much hope. I feel at peace. Life is full uncertainties but I entrust God with tomorrow.

Anxieties

It's been more than a week since my last post. I realised only this morning that I have overlooked my online journal for a while. Partly because I was busy, and partly because I felt there's nothing new to write about. Then I suddenly felt the urge to go back writing my thoughts in the hope that I could be freed somehow from some anxieties that are bugging me.

In two months I am coming back home to spend the holiday season. But before that, there's so much things to do. I need to prepare at least two papers for two separate conferences but to do that, I have to come up first with concept ideas. This may sound easy but in reality it is not. Then, I have to start drafting the methodology section of my thesis proposal. Since I am turning six months here in November, I also have to submit that proposal to give my supervisors ample time for review. So that's the work aspect of my anxiety.

The other aspect is in the emotions department. Too personal to write here but my closest friends know about it. And I am so glad they are around to give me pieces of advice and keep me sane. In this crazy world, it really helps to have true, meaning friends. We are separated by distance but I never felt closer to them until now.

Watching an opera for the first time

Last night was quite memorable for me and my friend because we watched an opera for the first time. One of the actors is a good friend of ours so he kindheartedly subsidised our tickets so we could watch the show. Actually, part of the thrill was not only going to the opera but also watching our friend perform. Although he's not among the lead actors, he's the lone Asian in the group--the rest are all Caucasians--so we're really proud of him. He's really a talented person. I've heard him sing before--first was when we had a videoke session in Wellington in the house of his host family there. Second was when we climbed Mt. Rangitoto. He wants to hide his singing prowess actually--because he's a very private person--so only a handful knew and I'm one of the privileged few whom he entrusted his wonderful "secret".

Now about the opera, it was really fastastic. The entire opera was in Czech but there were TV monitors showing the surtitles (translation). The story is about a girl named Jenufa who was so desperately in love with an irresponsible man named Steva, hence Jenufa's mother (the kostelnicka) highly disapproved of Jenufa's longing for Steva. Steva also did not love truly Jenufa. It was Steva's half-brother, Laca, who loved Jenufa with all his heart. But Jenufa had a very big problem. She was carrying Steva's child and Steva did not want to marry her. To save the family from disgrace, the kostelnicka hid Jenufa until she gave birth. And to conceal the entire thing, the kostelnicka killed Jenufa's baby by leaving him to freeze in the snow. When Jenufa awakened, she found her baby gone and that her mother locked her in the house. When the kostelnicka returned, she told Jenufa that her baby died so Jenufa was devastated. Laca returned and professed his undying love for Jenufa. Jenufa wanted a fresh start so he finally accepted Laca and the kostelnicka gave them her blessing. Their short moment of bliss was interrupted by the news that one of the villagers found Jenufa's lifeless baby in the snow. The villagers then accused Jenufa of killing her baby. To save Jenufa from the villagers' contempt, the kostelnicka confessed her sins. At first, Jenufa couldn't forgive her mother, but in the end, her love for her prevailed and she learned to forgive her. I don't know how accurate my account of the opera's plot was but this was how I understood it. : )

I never thought I would enjoy the whole experience for two reasons. One, it was not an ordinary play. It was an opera and I'm not used to it. Two, the opera was not in English, hence the language barrier (but thanks for surtitles, we managed to comprehend what the singers were saying). Nevertheless, everything turned out to be an enjoyable experience.

Windfall

Last Saturday, I got the surprise of my life when I opened my mailbox and saw a cheque in my name worth $320. It was from the Auckland Electricity Community Trust. Sort of a dividend from paying the electric bills. The brochure on the AECT that's enclosed in the envelope with the cheque says the dividend is our "annual return on the Trust's assets which are held in trust for the benefit of the people living within the old Auckland Electric Power Board area." I've been living in this place for only four months and been paying an average of $25 monthly for my electricity comsumption and I received $320 or more than three times what I have paid in the last four months. When I told my friends about it, they were kind of envious because they did not receive any dividends. This is because they live in a university-owned accommodation where electricity is included in their monthly rent, unlike me who's renting a private flat and paying a separate fee for electricity consumption on top of my monthly rent. Their dividends, I suppose, are being paid to the university. I am really amased by the system here. Giving dividends to consumers is not only rewarding them for the service that they have purchased but also giving back to them their money. Think about that! There's nothing like this in my home country. There, the consumers are often at the mercy of the producers and service providers. When the prices of raw materials increase, they just pass on the burden to the consumers. In Japan where I lived for two years, I've also not experienced receiving "rewards" like this. Little by little, I am beginning to understand how really it's like to live in a welfare state. I remember my Japanese supervisor. He would always marvel about NZ being a welfare state--from "cradle to grave".